


him.

by Acornsie



Series: chris chan has problems [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:53:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23337955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acornsie/pseuds/Acornsie
Summary: TW// SUBSTANCE ABUSEchris has come to terms with everything.
Series: chris chan has problems [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1788166





	him.

After my mom died, I had a rough time. I was drinking and using heavily, and I never left my room. for a solid half a year, i only ever spoke to my brother. i cried every night. hardly slept, either. 

fucked myself up pretty bad.

then, after that 6 month or so period, he stepped in. a great soul. he told me to get my ass up, took all my substances of the intoxicating variety, and stayed with my brother and i in our apartment while i got clean. it was almost worse than my mom dying, to be honest. i had become a functioning alcoholic and drug user. weed, cocaine, acid, and ecstasy. fucking awful. was literally killing myself day by day. 

after i had gotten over most of the side effects, he took me places. small get-togethers, dinner parties, the like. wanted me to get social without some form of alcohol present. didn’t necessarily work, but god damn do i love him for it. he asked my brother to put together a little party. my brother invited a few people he knew, he invited a few people he knew. all together it was 7 people, including myself, my brother, and him.  
he invited a coworker id never met before.  
he said i'd like her, made me clean up nice, trim my hair, shave, etc. he had high hopes, i'll say that. well.. he wasn’t wrong to be hopeful, actually. 

she was beautiful. 

tall, blonde, blue-eyed, and slender.

if i had a type she was it. 

she was pretty nervous, but honestly, so was i. loosened up after a little bit of small talk. i got her a soda, asked her if she likes movies, and two days later i asked her out. she was four years older than me, but frankly, i wasn’t going to let that stop me. we dated for 6 years. 6. longest id dated anyone. loved her with all my heart, i did. 

around the 3 month mark of that 6th year, something happened. 

one of us got distant for one reason or another, and rather than recognizing the problem and fixing it, we left it. we stopped confiding in each other. i wasn't happy anymore. we both realized this, talked about it, and broke it off.

once again, i was a wreck.

i wouldn't let myself start abusing again, so i turned to fighting. got into a lot of fights. could hardly hide my jealousy when my brother told me he would be proposing to his boyfriend soon. 

god.

i started dating again, after a few months. i think 2? either way. slept around, dated for week-to-month long periods of time at the most. i just couldn’t deal. with anything.

i had been in love with someone else from the very beginning. ever since they moved into my neighborhood. ever since they made friends with me. ever since we started sleeping over at each other's houses. ever since we started talking about girls. then boys. ever since we started getting drunk and sharing touches we knew we shouldn’t. ever since we first kissed. ever since we fucked for the first time. ever since i let him go. ever since he met someone new.

ever since he told me they’re engaged.

i can’t lie. i've been in love with him since i first heard him speak… i was just too stupid to realize until it was too late. now, instead of interfering, i'll just… escape. run while i can. i won’t commit suicide. that’d hurt everyone in my life. absolutely everyone.

i just can’t get over him. i never will. sometimes i want to beat the shit out of him. sometimes i want to kiss him so sweetly he cries. 

him.

i live and die for him, and he’ll never know.

this is a poem dedicated to him.

my one and only.

my childhood best friend.

my first love.

my last love.

i’ll never be happy again, and it’s my fault.

i love you.


End file.
